


my weak and hoping heart

by Solanaceae



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Fix-It, Rash Illness (Stand Still Stay Silent), title applies as much to the author as to the characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 16:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11384316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solanaceae/pseuds/Solanaceae
Summary: What happens after Tuuri walks into the sea.





	my weak and hoping heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [opalmatrix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/opalmatrix/gifts).



> Thanks for the great prompts! I had fun writing this and I hope you enjoy :)

Tuuri almost turned back once the water was up to her waist.

Above, the light was dying, the sky going dark with dusk. The sand beneath her feet shifted with each step she took, making it hard to balance. Not that it mattered much—all she had to do was get deep enough.

One step. Another.

A sudden wave swept her feet out from under her, and instinct made her struggle for a moment before she forced herself to relax, let the sea claim her. The water closed over her head, her uniform weighing her down, and she exhaled, a stream of bubbles rising past her eyes.

Then something latched onto the back of her jacket, yanking her back. She kicked, trying to get away, but her head was spinning from lack of air. Water rushed down her throat, and everything—

***

“What the _hell_?”

A blur of red swam across her vision. Tuuri felt a cough rising in her throat and something slammed down on her chest, forcing seawater out of her mouth. She sputtered, blinking back tears, and the blur resolved itself into Sigrun. She was dripping wet, her uniform clinging to her body, a look of utter fury on her face.

Lalli loomed into view behind Sigrun, eyes fiery. “Tuuri.”

She closed her eyes, hoping that when she opened them, she would be underwater again.

Sigrun shook her shoulders roughly, forcing her eyes back open. “Look at me. _Look at me._ ”

Tuuri set her mouth in a stubborn line. “I was doing the right thing. You shouldn’t have done anything.”

“Like hell I shouldn’t have. I don’t care what you think you were doing. You don’t just—what do you think— _gods,_ Tuuri, you’re an idiot.” Sigrun stood, gaze dark. “I’ll let Lalli chew you out, then you and I are going to have a _talk_.”

Tuuri let her head fall back on the ground, groaning.

***

“Sit down.”

Tuuri lifted her chin. “I’m fine.”

“I just dragged you out of the sea. Sit. Down.”

Tuuri hesitated, then lowered herself onto the rock. Sigrun stood, feet apart and arms crossed. She was still in her wet uniform, as was Tuuri—in the heat of the moment, she hadn’t noticed how cold the water was, but now it was all she could do to keep from shivering. Sigrun seemed too angry to notice.

“Now, just what the hell do you think you were doing?”

At least Sigrun’s fury was easier to deal with than the terror she had seen on Lalli’s face. Her cousin hadn’t said much—but she had seen the way his hands were shaking, the fear and disappointment in his eyes. It had stung more than she thought it would.

He was nearby, Tuuri knew. She had the feeling he wouldn’t be more than a few meters away for a long time.

“You don’t understand,” she said.

“Damn right I don’t.” Sigrun leaned down, face close to Tuuri’s. “I don’t understand what you were thinking, trying to off yourself like that.”

Tuuri met her furious gaze. “I was doing what I thought was right. You don’t—the Rash—” She swallowed, forcing the words out. “I started showing symptoms.”

“Did it even _occur_ to you to ask one of us what you should do? At the very least, as your captain I think I deserve a warning before one of my crew members goes running off.”

“What could you have done?” _I was a lost cause. I still_ am _._

As if she could hear Tuuri’s thoughts, Sigrun snapped, “Something. _Anything_. We aren’t giving up on you.”

Tuuri stood abruptly. Sigrun stepped back, looking surprised. For a moment, they stood inches apart, Sigrun’s face flushed with anger. Tuuri felt strangely calm, detached, as though none of this was real.

“Well, maybe you should,” she replied.

She turned and strode away, feeling Sigrun’s gaze following her. 

***

“Was it something I said?”

Tuuri jumped. “Lalli. Don’t sneak up on me like that.”

Her cousin lowered himself to the ground beside her, eyes hard. “Was it?”

“What do you mean?”

“You asked me about the trapped ones, right before—did I say something wrong?”

“Lalli— _no._ ” Tuuri drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Mikkel had given her a set of dry clothes after making sure she had coughed up all the water in her lungs, but she still felt cold in a way she couldn’t seem to shake, one that seemed to have settled in her bones. “There wasn’t anything you could’ve done.”

Lalli shook his head, but said nothing.

***

Tuuri hadn’t planned for this.

Everyone was treading carefully around her, as though she were made of glass, likely to shatter at the slightest touch. At the same time, she could feel at least two pairs of eyes on her at any given time. Lalli was like a pale shadow, hovering at the edge of her vision, sitting when she sat and walking where she walked. Sigrun wasn’t quite as bad with the hovering, but she never seemed to leave Tuuri’s vicinity for long.

She’d retrieved her mask for Reynir’s sake—even if she was a dead woman already, she didn’t want to endanger her friends.

Which had been the whole _point_ of leaving.

Well. She didn’t plan on giving up now.

***

She waited until Lalli had left to scout—which had taken some convincing on her part, promising that she wouldn’t try to run off again—before slipping away. The trees muffled the sound of her footsteps, everything strangely quiet in the cold air. Once she judged she was far enough from the camp, she sighed, reaching up to undo her mask.

“You’re not going anywhere.”

Tuuri yelped with surprise, wheeling around.

Sigrun stepped out from behind a tree. “Nice try, though.”

“Why won’t you just let me—” Tuuri couldn’t finish.

“Kill yourself?” Sigrun shook her head. “I didn’t dive into the sea for nothing. Would you really let that go to waste?”

Tuuri clamped her mouth shut and remained silent. Sigrun sighed.

“Are you just going to keep trying to run away?”

Tuuri nodded.

“What do I have to do, Fuzzy, tie you to the bed?” She paused. “Unless that’s something you’re into, in which case I’d gladly do so.”

Despite everything, Tuuri felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. Sigrun laughed.

“There we go. Just keep your head up, hm? We’ll figure out something that doesn’t involve you walking into the sea.” She laid a hand on Tuuri’s uninjured shoulder and squeezed gently. “Now. Let’s head back and try and get some rest.”

***

Tuuri woke in the middle of the night to the sound of voices. For a moment, she stiffened— _the voices, the trapped ones, they’re back—_ before realizing that it was only Sigrun and Mikkel speaking, low but still audible.

“—don’t know what you hope to accomplish, Sigrun.”

“If you expect me to just let her walk off and _kill herself_ , you’re more of a fool than I thought.”

A sigh. “All things considered, it might have been for the best. She’s hanging on, but it won’t be long before there’s nothing more I can do beyond making her passing easy.”

“So we find a cure.”

“Sigrun, there _is_ no cure. Do you want her to turn, is that it?”

Tuuri opened her eyes to a slit. Mikkel and Sigrun were sitting on the ground by the dying fire, Sigrun leaning in close, Mikkel with his hands clasped.

“Of course not.”

“Then stop being selfish and let her do what she has to.”

“I—what—don’t you care even a _little_?”

Even in the dim light, Tuuri could see him flinch. “I care more than anything, Sigrun, but I also know when to put my patient’s wishes ahead of mine. Are you keeping her alive for her sake, or yours?”

“And what about the others, hm? You think Lalli would sit by and let her die?”

“It’s going to happen one way or another. Do you want to be the one to put a bullet in her head when she—”

Sigrun shot to her feet. “Stop.”

Mikkel spread his hands. “I’m only being realistic.”

“ _No_ , you’re being an idiot.” Sigrun turned, striding off into the forest. Mikkel sighed, shaking his head, and after a few seconds stood as well, ambling over to his sleeping mat.

Tuuri closed her eyes.

***

They spent a good portion of the next day walking, each of them with a bundle on their back—Tuuri suspected that Mikkel had purposefully given her the lightest one, but she wasn’t complaining. The twinges of pain from her shoulder were nearly constant, now, and the spreading itchiness radiating from her wound wasn’t helping either.

And the _voices_.

She could almost block them out when the others were talking, but in the long periods of silence, where there was only the sound of her own labored breathing, the sounds of despairing voices crept in, worming into her skull until she wanted to scream.

When they finally stopped for the day, Tuuri found that she had no appetite. Waving away the rations that Mikkel offered her, she went to sit a little bit away, propping her chin in her hands and staring moodily at the ground. Lalli sat down nearby, and she bit back the sharp words that rose to her mouth. He didn’t _need_ to shadow her like this, but she couldn’t exactly fault him for it.

It was almost a relief to collapse into her bedroll and curl up into as small a ball as she could manage. Between Lalli and Sigrun’s monitoring, the glances Reynir kept throwing at her, and the careful way Emil was steadfastly _not_ looking at her, she was glad to have a moment to herself. Mikkel was the only one who was treating her the same as he always had—the only one on her side, too. _He_ understood what she had to do, even if no one else did.

Her thoughts were cut off by a yawn tugging at her mouth. It was starting to become a struggle to keep her eyes open, so she gave in and closed them, pulling her blanket up to her chin.

***

When she opened her eyes, she was in a real bed— _her_ bed, back home in Keuruu. Everything was golden with light, bright and airy. She sat up, disoriented, and saw Sigrun leaning against the doorway, profile illuminated by the rising sun.

“You’re awake,” Sigrun said without looking at her.

Tuuri blinked, then disappointment swelled in her chest. “This is a dream.”

Sigrun turned towards her. “Maybe. Does it matter?”

“Well, it’s not real.” Still, she sank back into the pillows. Her shoulder didn’t hurt at all, and she was willing to bet that if she looked, there would only be whole, unbroken skin. Might as well enjoy this while it lasted.

Sigrun crossed the room without a word and sat down on the bed next to her.

“But why you?” Tuuri wondered aloud. “Why not—Lalli, or Onni—”

“You tell me, Fuzzy.” Sigrun took her hand and squeezed it. Tuuri smiled. Sigrun’s skin was warm, the callouses on her palm catching on Tuuri’s softer skin.

It felt nice.

“I wish we could actually come here,” she said softly. “You’d like it here, I think. And Onni could meet all of you, and he’d be able to stop _worrying_ about me—” Her throat closed up, choking off her words.

Sigrun leaned in and hugged her. Tuuri inhaled the scent of her—gunpowder and sweat and something warm that reminded her of sunlight through tree leaves. “You’ll have to introduce us when we get you back home.”

Tuuri closed her eyes.

***

Tuuri woke again to find that her entire shoulder was burning. She could tell just by the feeling that the rash had spread down her arm and across her chest. She lay there, staring up at the sky for a few minutes, body strangely heavy.

_I have to do something._

She shivered. Had it gotten colder since yesterday? Chills ran through her, making it hard to keep from trembling.

“Tuuri?” Lalli appeared in her field of vision and leaned down, brow knitted with concern. Tuuri sat up.

“I’m fine,” she snapped before he could say anything. “Just a bit cold.”

***

It was another week before she really started to feel it—when walking got difficult. By then, the Rash had spread far enough up her neck and across her body that it was getting hard to hide with just her clothing. They were getting closer to the pickup spot, but Tuuri was starting to wonder if she was even going to make it that far. Every step sent shivers through her body, an unsteady feeling lurking in her gut. It was all she could do to keep her eyes trained on the ground in front of her, putting one foot in front of the other for what felt like a painful eternity.

She definitely had a fever, she concluded. And every joint in her body ached, and the spreading burn of the rash was almost enough to distract from the voices that only seemed to be getting louder.

When they finally stopped for the day, she was on the verge of collapse.

_It’ll be too late, soon. You have to do something._

***

When it grew dark, she waited for everyone else to settle down before rolling out of her bedroll and struggling to her feet. After a few seconds of wavering, she set off down the beach. Hopefully she could get far enough away, and—

Her numb legs buckled and she found the ground hurtling towards her. She had no time to throw up her arms to catch herself, and hit the ground with a painful thud. When she tried to stand again she found that her limbs wouldn’t cooperate.

She lay with her cheek pressed to the sand, shivering uncontrollably. It was so _cold_.

After a few minutes, footsteps vibrated through the ground, coming closer.

“Tuuri.”

She had just enough strength to lift her head. Sigrun stood over her, concern written all over her face.

“When are you going to stop trying to run away?”

“Maybe I just like making you worry,” Tuuri mumbled. Sigrun made a noise in the back of her throat and the next thing she knew, Tuuri was being scooped up off the ground by strong arms. She let Sigrun carry her back to the camp.

As Sigrun walked, it began to rain.

***

They found a small set of cliffs by the beach and took refuge under them, in the low caves provided by leaning rocks. Sigrun and Tuuri ended up in the same one, so close together that they couldn’t help but brush up against each other every time they moved.

“Might as well try to stay warm,” Sigrun noted after a few minutes of maneuvering in a vain attempt to find places to sleep that didn’t involve overlapping limbs. She extended her arms. “Come here.”

Tuuri hesitated, then scooted closer to lie against her, moving around a bit to get comfortable. “I always wanted to see the sea out here.”

Sigrun huffed a laugh. “Well, you certainly got up close and personal with it first chance you got, huh?”

They were silent for a moment, Tuuri’s head against Sigrun’s shoulder. Mikkel had given her one of his sweaters to put over all her other layers; the sleeves were so long that she was constantly losing her hands in them. With it, the cold had lessened a bit, though she still couldn’t stop trembling. Outside, the rain pounded against the beach, dimpling the sand.

“You’re making a mistake,” she told Sigrun.

“How so?”

“Putting everyone else in danger by keeping me alive. Anyways, what do you expect will happen—that we’ll get to the rendezvous point and they’ll just let me on board in this state?”

“We’ll deal with that when we get there,” Sigrun replied firmly. Her arm reached up, settling around Tuuri’s shoulders, pulling her closer. She was so _warm_ , Tuuri thought, like a fire burning against her skin. She shivered. “Anyways, I bet we’ll have found a cure by then.”

“But why? Why go to so much effort for me?” Her head was pounding, and it was starting to become a struggle to keep her eyes open.

Sigrun was quiet for a few seconds. “You really don’t know?” she finally said, voice soft.

Tuuri frowned. She tried to say _no, I have no idea,_ but her tongue was too heavy. The air in the nook was getting thin, harder to breathe. She struggled to take a breath, to say something, _anything_.

“Tuuri?” Sigrun sounded alarmed. Tuuri tried to open her mouth to tell her it was okay, but the world was darkening. She slipped to the ground as Sigrun sat up straight, and found that her body wouldn’t move.

 _So this is it._ The thought was strangely detached, as if she was outside her body watching herself die.

As if from a distance, she heard Sigrun shouting her name, but her voice was fading. Tuuri let her eyes drift shut, and breathed out.

***

A soft brush of feathers against her face. All she could see was white softness, wrapping around her.

She looked up. A glittering black eye stared back. The swan’s wings encircled her, pulling her higher into a sky suddenly clear, rivered with stars.

_Oh._

Below, she heard a sound like a wounded animal. She twisted, trying to see, but the swan kept flying higher, pulling her away.

 _Wait,_ she said, the words coming without her mouth moving. _Just_ — _just a moment._

The wingbeats slowed.

She peered over the edge of the wing. A jolt ran through her as she recognized her own body, lying in the sand. Lalli was bent over her, hands fisted in her shirt, shaking her. Sigrun stood a little bit away, a broken look on her face. The others were gathering, slowly, hesitantly.

Something tugged at Tuuri’s chest. Sigrun’s expression made her want to rush down, do something— _anything_ to get that look off her face.

She turned to meet the swan’s eyes. _I want to go back._

The swan regarded her mutely.

 _Put me down._ She pushed at the swan’s wings, trying to free herself.

 _You know what you’ll become,_ the swan said.

_Yes. I want to go back._

***

A flash of pain, electric and coursing through her body, and then—

***

Images flashed past—Sigrun, bending over her. Lalli, looking up, eyes widening.

 _She’s still here,_ he said, voice distant, but no one looked at him.

Tuuri could swear she felt Sigrun’s hand in hers, though she could see her own body from where she was.

Lalli was shouting something at Reynir, gesturing up.

***

Her body on a white sheet, black lines scrawled onto the fabric radiating in a circle. Reynir closed the circle and stepped back, brow furrowed.

 _I don’t know if this will work_ —

It was as if gravity had been turned up under her. She felt herself being sucked down, hurtling towards her body, and screamed.

Everything went dark.

***

Sigrun’s voice a brilliant red thread, winding through the darkness.

_Come on, Fuzzy. You can do it. Wake up._

***

She opened her eyes to blinding light.

Huh. So this was the afterlife.

“Tuuri.”

That voice sounded familiar.

“She’s awake. Someone go get Mikkel.”

Mikkel? But why—

Tuuri blinked, and the light lessened, letting her make out the shapes of two people standing by her—bed, she was in a bed, apparently. Another blink, and Lalli’s face swam into view, pale eyes wide.

“Tuuri,” he breathed.

“Lalli?” She tried to sit up, but strong hands pushed her back down onto the bed. She glanced to her other side—Sigrun, a wide smile on her face. “S-sigrun? But aren’t I—”

“I’m glad to say that you’re fully and completely alive.” Sigrun grinned.

“What—how?” Tuuri stuttered. “I should be _dead_!” But this felt too real to be a dream, between Lalli’s fingers digging into her hand and the way the room seemed to be swaying gently—they must be on the ship, then.

“It’s a long story,” Sigrun told her. “And I don’t completely understand what happened, myself—you’ll have to ask Lalli. And Reynir.” She leaned in closer. “More importantly, how are you feeling?”

Tuuri considered this. The aching burn from the Rash was gone, the inside of her head was blessedly quiet— “I feel fine.”

A strange look blossomed across Sigrun’s face—if it were anyone else, Tuuri would have called it tender. It occurred to her that their faces were awfully close together. Sigrun must have noticed the same thing, because she sat back abruptly. “Well. That’s good.”  She ran a hand through her hair, and Tuuri noticed the dark, sleepless circles under her eyes. “I’d better get going, huh? Let Lalli catch you up on—stuff.”

Tuuri blinked, confused. Something was off about this. Sigrun looked run dry, as though she had spent the last few days at Tuuri’s bedside. But why—

Sigrun’s arms around her in the cave, the soft way she had held her. The fleeting look of _something_ in her eyes. Their hands pressed together in Tuuri’s dream, the way that had felt so _right._

_You really don’t know?_

“Oh,” Tuuri said.

“Oh?” Sigrun echoed, turning back. “Is something wrong?”

Instead of answering, Tuuri reached up and pulled Sigrun’s face close, pressing a long kiss to her lips. For a moment, Sigrun stiffened with surprise, but then her hand came up to cup the back of Tuuri’s head, pulling her in closer, deepening the kiss—

Lalli cleared his throat. Tuuri pulled back, embarrassment burning across her face.

“S-sorry,” she said to the room at large.

“Nothing you need to say sorry for.” Sigrun’s eyes gleamed. “But maybe we should wait a bit before getting you all excited.”

Tuuri could have sworn her face was on fire. “Yeah. Okay.” She watched Sigrun leave, pausing briefly to wave over her shoulder. When the door closed behind her, she looked at Lalli to see that her cousin had one eyebrow raised, a knowing look on his face.

“Not a word,” she warned him. He laughed. “Do you think Onni will approve?”

He nodded. “She spent the whole time next to you. I think he’d be thrilled that you’ve finally found a good woman to take care of you.”

“I don’t need _taking care of_ ,” Tuuri muttered, but something about that thought—Sigrun, protecting her, watching over her—made warmth curl in her chest.

Well. She supposed she wouldn’t mind if it was _Sigrun_. Not that she was going to tell Lalli that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks is due to Elleth for betareading and Laufey for providing some background on Finnish mythology. <3


End file.
